Book excerpt - Blown Job: Chapter 4

Nearly three years ago, I was fired from my job; a casualty of the post-9/11 economic downturn. After 18 months of looking for work without success, I sat down to write a book, entitled, "Blown Job: an unemployment odyssey." Here's an excerpt from Chapter Four. (See "Past Posts of Note" for earlier chapters. )

Chapter 4 - ’Net Work

From the moment I was axed to the present day, I have been looking for work. At the Career Center, before and after class, and up to an hour ago, I have spent part of every day doing some job-seeking activity. Those of you who might be unfamiliar with the current marketplace may wonder why, then, haven’t I been able to find a job in a year and a half? There are more of you, I’ll venture, who understand precisely why I’m still unemployed.

At the start, I networked among friends, colleagues, friends of colleagues, colleagues of friends, distant relations, neighbors, acquaintances, my pharmacist, my doctor, his receptionist, my hairdresser and people I sat next to on the bus. Networking has been such a complicated and wholly unproductive process that I’ll save the details of my experiences for a later chapter.

This is where I want to recount for you my adventures in ’Net working, or, searching for work on the Internet. The ’Net has made it easier than ever to find employment openings, but it’s also made it much harder to find actual work.

It may not surprise you to know that once upon a time I earned my living as a writer. I worked for corporations. I have experience in marketing and the non-profit sector. I’ve freelanced and worked as a consultant. I’ve written business communications and edited books. I am open to all writing, editing, (and now) desktop publishing opportunities.

And here is where the process gets complicated. Type the keywords “writer” or “editor” into a search engine and you come up with umpteen possibilities. You need to comb assiduously through them all to find the jobs that you actually can do.

As a result of many, many searches, these are but some of the jobs that I was qualified for and responded to:

Senior Writer/Editor; Grant Writer; Senior Strategic Communications Specialist; Editorial Assistant; Proposal Writer; Foundation Officer/Grants Manager; Marketing and Research Coordinator; Production Assistant; Media Analyst; Major Gifts Development Associate; Associate Director of Development for Corporations and Foundations; Communications/Public Relations Assistant; Manager, Client Development; Communications and Pursuit Strategist;

Editorial Assistant; Business Writer; Business Development Writer; Employee Communications Coordinator; Marketing Assistant; Marketing Associate; Marketing Administrator; Corporate Communications Specialist; Training Content Writer; Development Manager; Presentation Specialist; Associate, Capital Campaign and Government Relations; Publishing Manager; Publications Manager; Proposal Coordinator; Proofreader/Copyeditor; Associate Editor;

Advertising Copywriter; Fashion Copywriter; Copy Coordinator; Marketing/Promotions Manager; Graphic Designer; Investor Relations Writer; Education Writer; Project Manager; Associate Writer; Publicity Assistant; Program Coordinator; Communications Associate; Desk Assistant; Desktop Project Coordinator; Manager; Internal and External Communications; Grant and Donor Stewardship Manager; Executive Assistant; and, the only job title that everyone seems to recognize, Administrative Assistant.

You will note that these positions run the gamut from some kind of Assistant up through Associate Director. The titles are meaningless; it’s the job responsibilities and experience requirements that count. There are some Assistant jobs that are really Manager jobs in disguise, for the simple reason that employers can get away with paying assistant-level salaries to people with manager-level experience.

Most of these jobs, despite their highfalutin’ titles, had the same basic requirements: writing and computer skills, attention to detail, ability to work and play well with others.

Yet, there are lots of little landmines contained within the job descriptions, and only the savvy jobhunter will be able to navigate them without suffering abject disappointment and severe eyestrain. Here’s a sample of what appeared to me at first glance to be a perfect fit:

Marketing Coordinator/Writer/proposal preparation/public relations for consulting firm. Requires writing, editing and proofreading skills; an eye for color and design; sound judgment.

Sounds good.

Must be detail oriented, organized, and computer literate. Capable of handling deadline pressure. Occasional overtime.

I can deal with that.

Must speak Japanese.

D’oh!

This kind of thing happens all the time. You muddle through a job description only to find one requirement that you absolutely cannot fake. Wouldn’t it have been ever so helpful if the ad writer thought about it for a moment and used the phrase “’Japanese-speaking’ Marketing Coordinator” at the beginning of the ad, thus saving me and about 5,000 other people some precious time? Boy, I’d like to have that numbnut’s job. (I’ve probably applied for it already.)

Another thing that ticks me off like crazy is when employers require applicants to possess years of experience with a veritable smorgasbord of software programs. Beyond the holy trinity of Word, Excel, and PowerPoint, many employers expect the ideal applicant to have not merely “knowledge of,” but also “expertise in” such programs as Access, Page Maker, Word Perfect, Quark, Photoshop, Illustrator, Corel DRAW, HTML, Dreamweaver, and Flash. I’d like to meet the one person in America who has even 50% of such knowledge; that is, if his head hasn’t already exploded like one of Gallagher’s watermelons from too much information.

*

Some job descriptions seem like they will never end. The ’Net gives employers the freedom to prate on endlessly; a luxury they would not enjoy if they were paying by the column inch for ad space in a print publication. This is an actual ad that I answered. (I’ve deleted the name of the firm, to protect it from the teasing likely to ensue:)

QUALIFICATIONS: This is an entry-level account service position. An assistant account executive must possess good interpersonal and communication skills in order to work effectively with a variety of account service staff within a specific set of accounts. S/he must have excellent organizational skills and the ability to adapt to new conditions, assignments and deadlines. S/he must have solid knowledge of MS Office Suite. S/he must pass a writing test and demonstrate the ability to become a strong writer. The assistant account executive is expected to hold a bachelor's degree in a related field and have interest in pursing a career in public relations. Previous internship experience in the communications field is desirable.

RESPONSIBILITIES: The assistant account executive is responsible for supporting the account executives, senior account executives and account supervisors in day-to-day activities. Day-to-day responsibilities include: solid understanding of basic principles of PR; familiarity with key client contacts and clear understanding of clients' organizational structure; general account service administration; trafficking jobs and project coordination; preparation of client status reports; compilation of media coverage to client; read and identify media clips from clipping services and on-line resources; reactive and proactive media relations; press tour pitching, scheduling, and logistics; prepare press kits for distribution; schedule booth appointments at trade shows and ensure appropriate follow-up; understand clients' top-tier media and be able to identify appropriate trade and business editors for upcoming pitches; support product reviews process; initial speakers bureau research and coordination; call downs to Media for pitching; assist in writing press release or press kit pieces (fact sheet, tip sheet, bios, etc); participate in brainstorms; knowledge of AP style; write memos to vendors; write creative and accurate new releases and headlines; research, outline, write and edit media advisories, bios, conference reports, pitch letters and/or email pitches and product fact sheets; basic understanding of key client information, including general business strategy, industry issues, products and services, key customers and competitors in the marketplace; research brand information; understand research and media list building tools (Factiva, Edge, etc.); work with and oversee interns, particularly in the area of project management; work within established account budget parameters and notify supervisor of any potential cost overruns; compute timesheets and expense reports; live the firm’s values (quality, integrity, respect, entrepreneurial spirit, mutual benefit); demonstrate professional behaviors and pursuit of excellence in all operations.

I want to point out to you, in case you missed it, that the very first line of this ad explains that this is an entry-level position. Scary, isn’t it? Imagine what they’d require of someone with experience.

*

Deciphering the hieroglyphics in job ads means reading between the lines. For example, “occasional overtime required.” What does this really mean? Is it a few extra hours at the end of the month, before a report is due? Or is it midnight three times a week, after which you drag your butt home; fall asleep on the couch, too tired to remove your makeup and shoes; and haul ass back to the office after what can only be qualified as a nap?

How about this one: “Work for two Senior Vice Presidents.” Oh, that’s bound to be endless fun. Anyone who has ever worked for two people at the same time knows that you forever are engaged in a tug of war, forced to determine whose swinging you-know-what is bigger. Both execs are bound to give you work that is due the day before yesterday and each will hound you to your grave with the mandate that his project takes priority. Two words, folks: career suicide.

My favorite phrases are the banal expressions that have no real meaning at all, but are included by employers who likely feel that such buzzwords lend some legitimacy to their offerings: “be a self-starter,” “think outside the box,” “be proactive,” ”have (in no particular order) team spirit,” “a positive attitude,” “a sense of humor.”

In other words, don’t be a lazy, dour jackass. Got it.

*

Time is critical, especially for those who do not own a computer and who must rely on public access. At busy metropolitan libraries, one is usually allowed 30 minutes. That’s just enough time to sign in, open a job website, type in a keyword, find a raft of jobs, choose one, and start a cover letter; at which point the librarian yells, “Time!” and you’re forced to relinquish your spot to a 10 year-old who’s writing a paper on the natural wonders of Czechoslovakia.

Of course, you can go to a retail outlet that charges by the minute for computer usage. That won’t be too anxiety producing, waiting for your web pages to download as dollar after dollar is sucked into the abyss. Add to this the costs of printing and faxing, and you’ll be mesmerized as your unemployment check magically disappears.

*

I really hope that I haven’t discouraged you from using the ’Net in your quest to find a job. I’ve actually garnered some interviews as a result of this method (about which more later.)

In closing, I suggest to you what’s been suggested to me: the ’Net should be but one of several methods you use to search for work – the others being networking, nepotism, and, my personal favorite, parading down Broadway with a sandwich board reading, “Will think outside the box for food.”