Monday, May 30, 2005

Eat, Drink, and Be Nutty - 2


A doctor sold answers to a board certification exam on eBay. He's described as a rectal specialist – no surprise there.


A new restaurant chain will provide video games at every booth. What might they call it?:

  • Grand Theft Automat

  • Xbox Lunch

  • Dragon Questerant

And on the menu...:

  • Mortal Kombat-ter-dipped Chicken

  • Super Mariomelette

  • Madden NFLbow macaroni

  • Halo-Mein

  • Wheel of Fortune Cookies

  • Nintendoughnuts


A New Yorker has made it his mission to hit 1,000 bars in a year and— surprise—he's started a blog to chronicle his journey. I guess you could call him a "Coors-pondent."

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Eat, Drink, and Be Nutty


North Korea has developed a candy made of seaweed, beans, carrots and sesame seeds that promises to help children grow taller and smarter. A good name for it would be, "I Can't Believe it's Not Chocolate!"


A 24-hour suicide hotline in Canada, citing high costs, is limiting its service to business hours. It will now be known as the "suicide lukewarm line."


A record-setting 124-pound catfish died while being transported to an aquarium, where he was to be displayed. He'll always be known as "the one that passed away."


"Alexander" director Oliver Stone was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol. Wonder if this will delay plans for the sequel, "Brandy Alexander."


Donald Trump is starting an online learning institution, Trump University. Sign up early for what promises to be the most popular courses in business ("Introduction to Macroegonomics") and construction ("How to Nail a Supermodel.")

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Sunday Funnies


An exhibitor at New York's first Erotic Expo said he seeks approval for his sex-related products from a medical school's industrial review board. That would likely be Hardwood Medical School.


Comedian Ray Romano (late of "Everybody Loves Raymond") says he's finished with sitcoms, but there may be a spinoff in the works for his series brother, Robert. Possible titles?:

  • Let's Milk This For All It's Worth

  • The Incredible Sulk

  • Holy Crap – it's Robert!

  • Cops and Robert

  • Everybody is Ambivalent about Robert

  • The Other Brother

  • How High the Goon


A lawyer in California moonlights as a porn star. He especially enjoys filing his briefs.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

The Lively Arts


A truck driver stole a painting worth $1.5 million. He was caught on videotape AND he left behind a copy of his driver's license. When nabbed, he claimed he didn't know what was in the container, even though it was clearly labeled, "PAINTING." Now, he's in a big building clearly labeled "JAIL."


Saddam Hussein is writing his memoirs. Wonder if he'll "dictate" them. Possible titles?:

  • All My Sons are Terrorists

  • The Five People You Meet in Prison

  • Say "Aaaahh"

  • The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Mass Murderers

  • Oh, the Places I've Bombed!

  • Tuesdays With Qusay

Mash Notes


I saw an ad today that said, "Your dream home is waiting for you in Florida." Florida? As in Hurricane Central? A better tagline would be, "Your dream home is wading for you in Florida."


An appeals court ruled that a woman is not legally responsible for fracturing her boyfriend's penis during sex, a maneuver we'll call the "mashonary position."


The city of Las Vegas created a 130,000 pound birthday cake to commemorate its 100th anniversary. For the candles, they melted down a wax figure of Kirstie Alley.


A man was found wandering a beach in England, well-dressed, soaking wet, and totally uncommunicative. At the hospital, he gave a masterful piano performance. Requests included "Somewhere Beyond the Sea," "I Cover the Waterfront," and "She Wore an Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini."

Sunday, May 15, 2005


Famously unmarried Jennifer Wilbanks has inspired the marketing of ''Jennifer's High Tailin' Hot Sauce'' and a Runaway Bride action figure. What's next? Glad you asked:

  • From Gown to Town: a snap-on wedding dress that converts to a chic summer suit.

  • Steak or Fish To Go!: wedding dinner take-out.

  • Band on the Run: a CD of first dance tunes, such as "Because You Loved Me," "When a Man Loves a Woman," and "Where is the Love?"

  • The Wedding Ring Toss game.

  • Bachelor Beer: the preferred drink of jilted fiancés.


At a tattoo convention in New York, artists agreed that their clientele has gone mainstream. True it may be, but I think it's a little much when your kid's teacher sports a tat on her bicep that reads, "åMother Goose".


Time is hipper than I thought. A headline on the mag's website reads, "A rapper who can actually act, Mos Def is the definitive master of the post-bling vibe," whatever that means. I understand they're thinking of changing their masthead to read:

Time. It's the Bomb. Fa sheezy.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

You Want Pineapple with That?


A man in a white mini skirt was accused of exposing himself. How crazy is that? Everyone knows you don't wear white until after Memorial Day.

Robin Williams is suing a celebrity impersonator. Bigfoot had no comment.

Woody Allen wants to shoot his next movie in Spain. Possible title?: Zabar-celona.


In Australia, a prison hostage-taking ended with a pizza delivery. Hope they got the toppings right.


The University of California at Berkeley has banned alcohol at frat parties. Talk about Hell week.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Monologue of the Day


Nelson Mandela is trying to protect his name from those who want to use it commercially. Are you ready for Mandelager beer, Mandelacrosse sticks, and Mandelatkes?

Some wag carved an image of runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks on a piece of toast and auctioned it on eBay. I just wish people would realize that eBay is for serious auctioneers – like the woman who put up her father's ghost and the guy who sold himself as ad space .


Three doctors in New York are in hot water for illegally prescribing large amounts of Viagra and other drugs to the mob. One mobster even requested a Lipitor prescription for his barber. The final straw must have been all the Prozac scrips for the hit men.

In San Francisco, sex workers took classes in business ethics and career satisfaction, earning diplomas as GSW's, Graduates in Sex Work. They crammed for the final all night long.


From the AP: "A man on his way out of the hospital ended up back inside after his mother hit him with her car when she came to pick him up." Her Mother's Day present? A restraining order!