Stars and Hypes

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Paul Newman and Robert Redford may team up for a third movie. Possible titles?:

• The Funeral Crashers


• Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Septuagenarian


• All the Gerontologist's Men


• The Way We Were


• The 80-Year Old Virgin

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Slovenly druggie Chris Farley just got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Why don't they just call it the Walk of Infamy?

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A Budapest mayor wants female staffers to wear miniskirts only if they have "completely perfect legs." What a completely perfect ass.

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Zookeepers in China are trying to convince a chimpanzee to stop smoking. Maybe they can get him into a support group with Joe Camel.

Today's Monologue

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There's a new line of greeting cards for lovers having extramarital affairs. It must look something like this:

–I hope you don't mind my asking, but...
...did I leave my panties in your glove compartment?

Y You rock my world...
...especially in Room 426 of the Starlight Motel.

Let's fall in love...J
...next Thursday at 2:00 in the back seat of your Miata.

You are the sunshine of my life...
...but please pretend you don't know me at the next PTA meeting.

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Martha Stewart's new TV show will have a short, punchy title. I wonder if it's 55170-174! (her inmate ID number.)

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A farmer looking for love harvested a personal ad made entirely of corn stalks in his pasture. Don't ask what he's planning to do with the cucumbers.

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Speaking of farming, this winter in Russia, cows will be fed confiscated marijuana. Talk about contented cows! I guess they'll only be producing "high"-fat milk from now on.

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I think it's nice that a couple decided to get married at the drive-thru window of a McDonald's. But will the groom live up to the nickname, "Big Mac?"

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The ashes of journalist Hunter S. Thompson were blasted into the sky as part of a memorial tribute. Now he's gonzo far away.

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Melon Day

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A CD of Bill Clinton's favorite tunes will go on sale next month. I wonder if it will include such hits as:

• Devil With the Blue Dress On
• Smoke Gets in Your Eyes
• Hungry Heart
• I Wish I Were in Love Again
• I Got a Woman
• I Got a Woman
• I Got a Woman

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Happy Melon Day! That's what you should say to anyone you know who lives in Turkmenistan, because the country's leader declared Sunday to be Melon Day. Better yet, say, Casaba nice day!

A Riot of the Senses

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In a Hong Kong eating contest, a man swallowed 83 dumplings in 8 minutes. Oddly enough, 10 minutes later, he was hungry again.

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A bigamist was outed when his three wives all showed up at the same time to visit him in the hospital. He's in for a triple bypass, when he's discharged, it'll be for a triple divorce.

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The rector at St. Patrick's Cathedral resigned over allegations that he's been conducting an affair with his female assistant. Suggested headline: "Rector's Erection Wrecks Rectory."

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As part of an anti-smoking program, scent strips reeking of tobacco are being inserted into fashion magazines, just like the promos that run in perfume ads. Cigarettes and fragrance – hmmm—imagine the spin:

• Kool Water



• True Love



• Old Gold and White Diamonds



• More Beautiful



• Nicotine Obsession



• Chesterfield of Flowers



• Poison

It's NOT That Easy Being Green

Well, here I am, two days after I lost all the customization of my blog, and I'm still working on the restoration. Of course, I haven't been at it steadily – I stopped to go to work; to sleep; to eat; to watch The Simpsons, King of Queens, and Family Guy; and to tweeze my eyebrows. I'm about 95% there. I just have to restore my META tags, which (as my one fan in cyberspace may recall from META Madness) proved to be endless fun the first time around.

During a pause in my blog labor, I read an article today online at CNN.com about a new study indicating that website appearance is a factor in attracting male or female readers. Apparently, women like pages with color in the background and typeface. Well, that certainly is true in my case.

The whole reason I screwed up my blog in the first place is that I wanted to change the color scheme. My template was rather a rather boring grey-and-maroon affair, and I wanted to go with a green ambience. As you can see, it's now a festival of green. Problem was, I couldn't choose a new template without losing all of the customized links and changes I'd made in the past nine months. I'm fairly certain that isn't how it was supposed to work, but I went ahead and chose Rounders 4, and voilà, all my links disappeared. At 5:30 AM, I wasn't thinking too clearly, and I ignored the warning indicating that I was about to step into the abyss. I cursed for two hours straight, relying at first on the tried-and-true imprecations in a mélange of languages, and at the last, coining some new words which, sadly, I can no longer remember.

Interestingly, that new study on the attractiveness of web pages also indicates, according to the CNN.com report, that men "responded better to dark colors and straight, horizontal lines across a page. They also were more pleased by a three-dimensional look and images of "self-propelling" rather than stationary objects."

Huh? "Self-propelling?" Can anyone tell me what that means? How does an object self-propel across a web page? I know for sure that I don't have any self-propelling objects on my page, but I'm not at all worried about attracting men to my blog. Lots and lots of men have visited Does This Look Funny to You? and will continue to do so, every time they type "blow job" into Google. My blog, you see, contains all the chapters of my magnum opus, Blown Job: an Unemployment Odyssey. Blow job, blown job – Google doesn't care. It's not set up to make the distinction between a book title and a sex act. The poor suckers (you should pardon the expression) who hope to find some hot pictures or dirty words here wind up instead with a humorous account of my 3-1/2 year bout of miserable unemployment. Blown Job Blown Job Blown Job. (Just got three more visitors.)

Bottom line is, if you're reading this, I don't care which sex you are. I'm just glad you came. (Not that "came," silly.)

I have to take my leave now and go type funny humor comedy unemployment employment one-liners funny working laughter comedy articles columns funny into my template so the search engines can find me again. One last thing, guys and gals: I hope you like this color scheme, 'cause I'm never changing it again.

Oops!

I screwed up my blog. I couldn't sleep, so at 5:30 AM, I decided to change my template to a new look. Well, it looks new, but I lost all of my links and customization. I hate MSN, Blogger, and the woman whose book suggested changing my template for a new look. You know who you are.

Touching Stories

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A New York City politician is throwing an erotic fundraiser. Kind of gives new meaning to the term, “pressing the flesh.”

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A man is going to prison for sexually assaulting a sleeping woman seated next to him in an airplane. What a first-class asshole.

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Macintosh just introduced a multi-button mouse. The gang in Redmond rallied to invent the same thing pronto, until they realized that, for once, they’re ahead of the curve.

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In Oregon, a high school football coach has been reprimanded for licking the bleeding wounds of his players. Bet he douses the winners with Sangria instead of Gatorade.

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Google is looking for a chef for its headquarters restaurant. Hot tip: incumbent must know how to make moo google gai pan.