Suppose you wrote a blog and nobody came? Is that every blogger's worst nightmare? What a shame it would be to pour your heart out if no one is looking. Must be how the guests on Montel feel.
I'm going to assume that one or two intrepid Googlers will find this, so, for your information, here's the deal. I'm a writer and I'm funny, but I've had a hell of a time convincing anyone of that. I've been suffering from a terminal bout of unemployment, and I am clearly at my lowest ebb, so I've decided to become the latest Internet whore and give it all away. My hope is to build an audience and get a job. If that doesn't work, this will be my swan song.
Now, here are the rules. I won't be telling you about the cute thing my cat did today, or ask for your advice about my relationship, or describe the disturbing abscess that's growing on my left buttock. There already are 2 million blogs like that, with another 300,000 consisting of nothing but links to them.
What I will do is share my material, which includes a book that I couldn't get published and a sitcom script that didn't place in a competition and lots of other stuff that only my best friend has read. My comedy bona fides include contributions to two comedy newsletters, quotes in Advertising Age and The New York Times, and a stint as humor columnist for Career Magazine; that last bit now buried deep within the Internet Archive Wayback Machine. I don't know how to create PDFs or FTP or upload, or any other of that crazy crap, so I haven't figured out how I'll be sharing just yet, but this is just blog 1, so bear with me.
Whenever I can, I'll include a monologue. Think Johnny at his peak; not Conan making ugly faces or Dave making ugly faces, or Jay... 'nuff said. It won't be political. No jabs that point up one candidate's lapsed judgment or the other's suitability as an Eggo® spokesman. Anyone can be a political pundit. To me, it's all so 2000.
If you like my stuff, please don't be shy. Let me know. I'd be grateful. But if you don't, please don't feel the need to flame under the guise of anonymity. I've already had more rejection than one person deserves.
Here's today's monologue:
Have you heard about "'toon porn?" It's cartoon characters having sex on the Internet. I like to think I'm pretty sophisticated, but I gotta draw the line at the Three Little Pigs doing the Power Puff Girls.
Guys (you know it's guys) are shelling out 40 bucks a month for this stuff. How do you explain that to the wife when the Visa bill comes? "$40 bucks for South Pork? Oh, yeah – I sent the boss some boudin for Christmas, honey."
A cartoon webmaster said that in hard-core anime, known as hentai, "the stereotypical hentai is a monster with a large amount of phallic tentacles harassing a Japanese schoolgirl." Well, now it's official – I am off octopus sushi.
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A taxi driver in New York paid $360,000 for a medallion, which means he now owns his cab. He's just posted his new rate schedule. It'll be 20 grand for the first quarter-mile; plus 5 G's for the air freshener.
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A smuggler swallowed $197,000 before flying home to Columbia. Can you believe what some people will do to avoid airline food?
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I see that ABC is dropping the Miss America pageant. Could be the format's a little stale. If I were in charge, I'd repackage it as a reality show and call it Girls Gone Tame.
See ya tomorrow.
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