It's a Grand Old World

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Brooke Shields is having another baby. Do I smell another bestseller?

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Sylvester Stallone is preparing to shoot Rambo IV and Rocky VI. Pray with me now that he's not considering "Oscar II," in which he would reprise the role of "Angelo 'Snaps' Provolone." (Check out the scintillating dialogue from Oscar.)


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A former head of a Kansas space museum is on trial for profiting from the trade of museum artifacts. Purportedly among the trades was a 2002 Yurchikhin for a 1983 Bobko.

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An Asian rebel group, the Tamil Tigers, is seeking a catchy national anthem. How about:

• I'm a Tamil Doodle Dandy


• When Selvathurai Comes Marching Home Again


• From the Halls of Ambalangoda to the Shores of Tissamaharama


• You're a Grand Old Kalashnikov

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Connecticut's liquor board wants to ban the sale of "Seriously Bad Elf" holiday beer because children might be enticed to drink. If they do, they'll be known as "Santa's Little Gulpers."

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A family living in the Road to Nowhere housing development near the Arctic Circle is getting government aid for their home, which is routinely buried by snow every year. Here's an idea – why not move to the Road to Something Approaching Civilization Condominiums?

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In Rome, goldfish bowls are now banned. Coincidentally, the sale of goldfish leashes has gone through the roof.

Get Smart

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In Australia, a man who lay dead in his car was given a parking ticket. And when they came to take him away, he was slapped with a moving violation.

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A Wal-Mart heiress returned her college diploma after being accused of cheating. She allegedly paid her roommate $20,000 to write her term papers, which apparently is the every-day low price for such transactions.

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A top ad executive was forced to resign after saying that women don't make it to the top of advertising because they're "crap" and further, that they are ''a group that will inevitably wimp out and go 'suckle something.''' His favorite pick-up line must be "Got Milk?"

I Can't Think of a Title

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A bowl of noodles 4,000 years old has been found in China. And we're worried about Styrofoam decomposing?

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The Wall Street Journal will be reducing its page size to cut costs. It will now be known as "The Wall Street Shopper."

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An Arkansas woman gave birth to her 16th child and she's not done yet. All 16 have names that begin with the letter "J." The 17th will be known as "Jeez, just give it a rest!"

Picture This!

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To counter vandalism, Italy may replace famous works of Florentine art with replicas. Next time you're there, be sure to stop and see the Larry David.

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At the International Tattoo Convention in London, one proponent was heard to remark, "Getting a brand name tattooed on your face is an insult to the values that tattoos really represent." Values like Mom and .

Oh, to be in England!

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In London, they've come up with a code of conduct for Santa Claus:

• cannot wear red suit to Target store openings



• must comb the Weetabix crumbs out of one's beard before every appearance



• may not use elves for heavy lifting or construction of an in-ground pool



• must pleasure Mrs. Claus prior to departure on eve of December 24th



• must be vigilant about scooping up reindeer droppings



• must periodically check naughty/nice list; update accordingly



• December 26: dry-clean suit; give elves bonus; sort through cookie gifts and discard those with protruding nails

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They're certainly busy with important matters in London. Now they're looking for the ugliest vegetable, in a year-long competition. Does Camilla qualify?

Here She Is, Miss 45879

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A bookmaker in Ireland has come under fire for an billboard depicting figures in DaVinci's The Last Supper as gamblers. In the same spirit, watch for Mona Lisa – the Ultimate Poker Face.

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The Danish Air Force will pay $5,000 to a professional Santa, one of whose reindeer was frightened to death by a fighter jet's roar. What's worse, the offending pilot now must emblazon the word "Naughty" on his epaulets.

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A prison in Peru held a beauty pageant. The winner of the talent competition swallowed 46 balloons of cocaine in 55 seconds while playing "Lady of Spain" on the accordion.

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Japan's Nissan Motors has developed an egg-shaped concept car that may revolutionize parking. They're calling it "Pivo." Couldn't they come up with a catchier name, like...

• Embrio



• Omeletta



• Scrambelle



• Meringue



• Volvomelette