Sunday, July 31, 2011

Drink (M)up, pet

There’s an article on about coping with uncertainty. I’m not sure if I should read it….


A Muppet-themed bar opened in San Francisco. My idea of a drinks menu:



Kermit Julep

Absolut Zoot


Fozzie Bearcardi

Abby Cadabby Campari



Pink Lady

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Getting Frisky

The Beckhams want to have yet another child. Can’t wait for the birth of little Staten Island Fourteen.

They’re casting a new reality series, “Wall Street Wives.” And, how’s this for cross-programming: next year, the castoffs can visit their hubbies on “Lockup.”

In Illinois, a police station is opening inside a grocery store. Will customers be frisked buying Friskies®?

In Japan, a single bunch of grapes sold at auction for $6,400. I think someone’s finger was on the scale.

New York’s Museum of Modern Art is raising its ticket price to $25. The good news is that it will keep out all that middle-class riffraff.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Switch Hitter

Have you heard about the soon-to-be bestseller, “Untitled” by Anonymous? Good thing there are no bookstores left, or you’d go nuts trying to find it.

The name “Pippa" is now a top baby name, owing to the popularity of Brit royal Kate Middleton’s sister. I hope Kelly Ripa doesn’t hear about this.

Quote from Slate: “CBS explains Same Name (Sundays at 9 p.m. ET) as ‘a reality series about celebrities trading places with total strangers who just happen to share the same name.’" Can’t wait for the Bernie Madoff episode.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Bad Apple

Three fake Apple stores popped up in China. How might a customer know if she was in a fake Apple store?  My guess:

*  The logo has a worm crawling out of it.

*  The store sells Ipeds and Ipuds.

*  The only iTunes available are by Engelbert Humperdinck and Slim Whitman.

*  Their salespeople are known as “baristas.”

*  The Genius Bar serves apple martinis.

*  The MacBook comes with fries.

*  They also sell George Foreman Grills.

Peewees' Playhouse

When I saw this, I felt like crying. These "outhouses" are better than any place I've ever lived.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011


A woman in Michigan was arrested on her wedding day. The vows must have read, “in sickness, in health, and incarcerated.”

Palin the ass

In contrast to the blockbuster that is Harry Potter, almost no one showed up to view the debut of the Sarah Palin documentary, The Undefeated.  Maybe they should call it The Undetected.  In one theater, a couple was spotted making out in the balcony. They must have thought the film was about Bristol Palin.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Let Me Call You Sweetheart

Sears mistakenly priced iPads at $69. Finally, a “Shop Your Way” offering I can relate to.

A woman in Atlanta has 26-inch-long fingernails. Her manicurists have their own union local.

In China, they’re handing out prison sentences to drunk drivers. Now, that’s Carmageddon.

A woman groped a female TSA agent in Phoenix. Look, I know that all of the new airline rules are difficult to understand, but, please, read the signs, people!

Now that the U.S. women’s soccer team is kicking World Cup butt, men want to wear the team’s jerseys. I’m just not sure they can carry off a sweetheart neckline.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Forget Bette Davis

Have you seen Chicks with Buscemeyes, in which actor Steve Buscemi’s careworn eyes are superimposed over those of otherwise hot women? What’s next?: Chicks with Gandolfinis? Chicks with Kinnears? Or, worse, Dudes with Deschanelbows?

How distressing: Hugh Hefner thinks his former fiancĂ© might have had another lover. Didn’t she know he owns the patent on that shtick?

News Corp. execs are dropping like flies. Note to all high-school yearbook editors: GET BUSY!

I think that Rupert Murdoch should lay low for a while. Maybe he and the Mrs. can rent Whitey Bulger’s apartment, as it appears Whitey won’t be needing it for the next 150 years.

I just read that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are kaput. Who’s going to cut the holes in her dresses now?

Thursday, July 14, 2011

I Remember Mama, Kinda

A new study indicates that access to Google, IMDB, and other search engines means we no longer have to commit information to memory.  I must remember to tell that to – oh, what’s that word for the woman who gave me life?

Potter's Field

I don’t know about you, but when it comes to Harry Potter movies, I think that eight is enough. I want the dynamic trio to remain kids forever.  I never want to see Ron with a soul patch or Hermione with a tramp stamp, or any of the following:

Harry Potter and the Goddess Quest
Harry Potter and the Bottle of Glenfiddich
Harry Potter and the Egregious Comb-over
Harry Potter and the Adjustable Rate Mortgage
Harry Potter and the Enlarged Prostate

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Up Yours!

Do you believe what Netflix is doing? Bloody hell, what? I don’t know about you, but I feel gored. I’ve certainly soured on Netflix. If I’ve watched one streaming movie, I’ve watched a hundred, but I tell you, I’m done. I admired their business model, but no more. Netflix, you’re cashiered.

A real-life version of the house from Pixar’s movie Up has been built in Utah and is selling for $399,000. I guess it comes with a balloon mortgage.

In Chicago, there’s a public installation of a giant pair of legs and a windblown skirt, reminiscent of Marilyn Monroe’s gams in The Seven-Year Itch. When they install the top half, Sun Ming Ming is going to ask her out.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Worldwide Pants

Did you see that Internet video where a python swallowed an alligator? (Warning: Ick!) Reminds me of the BSkyB – Murdoch deal.

Malaysian police released 1,697 people detained at a gathering to demand fair elections. Seems they ran out of those cool orange uniforms.

There’s a rumor floating that former Chinese president
Jiang Zemin has died. Paging Saturday Night Live (see Wikipedia: Francisco_Franco_is_still_dead) Fun fact: Jiang liked to pull his pants all the way up to his chest. Might death have been caused by that Milhouse-killer, a calamitous wedgie?

Congratulations to Derek Jeter on hitting number 3,000. He told the YES Network, “Hitting a home run is the last thing I ever thought about.” Yeah; the last thing, the first thing and everything in between.

Here’s some not-really-news: it costs more to raise a child now than it did 50 years ago. And that doesn’t include the cost of eating out a parent’s kishkes.

Wedding bells: two Chihuahuas yelped I –doooooooooooooo in Chicago. Afterwards, they Said Yes To The Mess.