*
A man emptied his apartment by tossing everything out of his 35th floor window. He should be charged with a moving violation.
Monday, March 28, 2005
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Eat at Your Own Risk
*
A Wendy’s diner bit into a human finger hidden in a bowl of chili. I think they can spin this into a new ad campaign: “Try our chili – now with calluses!”
*
Those wacky scientists at MIT invented an alarm clock for super-sleepers, called “Clocky.” When you hit “snooze,” the clock falls off the table and wheels itself around the room. The idea is that you jump out of bed to turn it off, effectively rousing you from slumber. I have a better way to silence it: a little gun, called “Glocky.”
*
An intoxicated driver blamed his condition on eating too many liqueur-filled chocolates; a defense that will henceforth be known as an “act of Godiva.”
*
A Spaniard whose winning lottery ticket was mangled in a washing machine will be allowed to collect the prize. This must be what is meant by “money laundering.”
*
Scientists in India have created tea in pill form. Be sure to take it with a crumpet capsule.
A Wendy’s diner bit into a human finger hidden in a bowl of chili. I think they can spin this into a new ad campaign: “Try our chili – now with calluses!”
*
Those wacky scientists at MIT invented an alarm clock for super-sleepers, called “Clocky.” When you hit “snooze,” the clock falls off the table and wheels itself around the room. The idea is that you jump out of bed to turn it off, effectively rousing you from slumber. I have a better way to silence it: a little gun, called “Glocky.”
*
An intoxicated driver blamed his condition on eating too many liqueur-filled chocolates; a defense that will henceforth be known as an “act of Godiva.”
*
A Spaniard whose winning lottery ticket was mangled in a washing machine will be allowed to collect the prize. This must be what is meant by “money laundering.”
*
Scientists in India have created tea in pill form. Be sure to take it with a crumpet capsule.
Sunday, March 13, 2005
Did You Miss Me?
If anyone cares, I'm still here. I lost my sense of humor; temporarily, I hope. You be the judge. Well, maybe not this week.
*
Scientists at Dartmouth College have pinpointed the site in the brain where familiar tunes are stored. I have two questions: (1) is there an operation to remove Mongo Jerry's "In the Summertime" from my head and (2) don't these guys have anything better to do?
*
General Mills inked a deal to make Wheaties the official breakfast cereal of Major League Baseball. I envision specially marked Jose Canseco boxes with a surprise inside: the official steroid of Major League Baseball.
*
In England, the candy maker Mars is cutting 700 jobs and ceasing production of Twix bars. What's next? A pink slip for the purple M&M?
*
Sixty-year old Rod Stewart got down on one knee to propose to his 33-year old fiancé. She accepted. And then she helped him up.
*
Sudanese officials were alarmed to read that nuclear tests took place in their country. Turns out, a US stenographer mistakenly typed "Sudan," instead of "Sedan," a site in Nevada. I guess that worker will soon be hired – oops, I mean, fired.
*
They say that first-born children are smarter than their younger siblings. That will come as no surprise to my big brother, Whatshisname.
*
Scientists at Dartmouth College have pinpointed the site in the brain where familiar tunes are stored. I have two questions: (1) is there an operation to remove Mongo Jerry's "In the Summertime" from my head and (2) don't these guys have anything better to do?
*
General Mills inked a deal to make Wheaties the official breakfast cereal of Major League Baseball. I envision specially marked Jose Canseco boxes with a surprise inside: the official steroid of Major League Baseball.
*
In England, the candy maker Mars is cutting 700 jobs and ceasing production of Twix bars. What's next? A pink slip for the purple M&M?
*
Sixty-year old Rod Stewart got down on one knee to propose to his 33-year old fiancé. She accepted. And then she helped him up.
*
Sudanese officials were alarmed to read that nuclear tests took place in their country. Turns out, a US stenographer mistakenly typed "Sudan," instead of "Sedan," a site in Nevada. I guess that worker will soon be hired – oops, I mean, fired.
*
They say that first-born children are smarter than their younger siblings. That will come as no surprise to my big brother, Whatshisname.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)