*
The returns department of a home products company in Vermont received an unwanted trimming device – and 5 kittens accidentally packed with the product. I guess that's what happens when you shop by cat-alogue.
*
This summer in sweltering Vienna, Austria, museum visitors are welcome to view art in the nude. My question is, where do they clip the little round buttons?
*
Scientists have discovered a 10th planet. Likely name: Goofy.
*
A toothless man in Brazil stole seven toothbrushes from a supermarket, thus proving the old adage that tooth is stranger than fiction.
*
Austria again – Diners went ballistic when they saw a 10-foot python slithering across the floor of a pizza restaurant, causing the owners to eighty-six the test-marketing of the Big Crust Pizza-Py-thon.
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Miscellany
*
Kentucky is eliminating its smiley face license plates, complete with the motto: "Kentucky: It's that friendly." Possible replacement: a set of false teeth and the phrase, "Kentucky: Bite Me."
*
Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, is to receive her own coat of arms. Reportedly, it's a cheap cloth coat crossed with a tampon and a silly hat.
*
Disneyland celebrates its 50th anniversary today. And, on schedule, Mickey received his first letter from AARP.
Kentucky is eliminating its smiley face license plates, complete with the motto: "Kentucky: It's that friendly." Possible replacement: a set of false teeth and the phrase, "Kentucky: Bite Me."
*
Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, is to receive her own coat of arms. Reportedly, it's a cheap cloth coat crossed with a tampon and a silly hat.
*
Disneyland celebrates its 50th anniversary today. And, on schedule, Mickey received his first letter from AARP.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Loony Toons
*
A South Korean baseball player wore frozen cabbage leaves in his cap during a game to keep his head cool. (Cabbage is the main ingredient in the popular Korean dish, kimchi.) If this catches on in the States, we soon may be reading about the Kimchicago Cubs.
*
Vanna White, who became famous for turning over letters on "Wheel of Fortune," is getting a star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame. It's believed that the real Hollywood stars immortalized on the Walk are turning over in their graves.
*
A new study reveals that people are more likely to achieve orgasm when they leave their socks on. Kind of gives new meaning to the word, "football."
*
Sesame Street is producing a line of adult loungewear and fashion accessories. What's next? "Bert and Ernie's"MetrosexuALphabet Soup?"
*
Disney executives consulted feng shui experts before opening their Hong Kong park. The results: Donald Duck and Winnie the Pooh wear hip-huggers. The Three Little Pigs are known as "Moo Shu Pork." And Buzz Lightyear travels only as far as infinity.
A South Korean baseball player wore frozen cabbage leaves in his cap during a game to keep his head cool. (Cabbage is the main ingredient in the popular Korean dish, kimchi.) If this catches on in the States, we soon may be reading about the Kimchicago Cubs.
*
Vanna White, who became famous for turning over letters on "Wheel of Fortune," is getting a star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame. It's believed that the real Hollywood stars immortalized on the Walk are turning over in their graves.
*
A new study reveals that people are more likely to achieve orgasm when they leave their socks on. Kind of gives new meaning to the word, "football."
*
Sesame Street is producing a line of adult loungewear and fashion accessories. What's next? "Bert and Ernie's"MetrosexuALphabet Soup?"
*
Disney executives consulted feng shui experts before opening their Hong Kong park. The results: Donald Duck and Winnie the Pooh wear hip-huggers. The Three Little Pigs are known as "Moo Shu Pork." And Buzz Lightyear travels only as far as infinity.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
An Appreciation, of Sorts
Y
When you don't have a father anymore, those ads that feature handsome, prematurely grey-haired men shilling ties and shirts and cufflinks while toting an adorable blonde moppet in each arm really can be annoying. Not that I ever paid attention to them, even when my father was alive, because he wasn't a shirt-and-tie-and-cufflink kind of guy. It wasn't easy to find a Father's Day present for him. He didn't read anything except the newspaper. His sport was limited to trudging up four flights of stairs, every day for sixty years. He didn't own a car. He didn't drink fine wines or smoke foreign cigars. So I was pretty much limited to buying him handkerchiefs, 'cause he did blow his nose, and socks, 'cause he did wear shoes, and bathrobes, because he did bathe, except for the last three years of his life, when that chore became my responsibility.
For the past year, I've been trying to remember the things I loved about my father. It's been difficult, because in the last few years of his life, when he decided to stop living, he made my life hell on earth. I won't go into detail, because this is not a memoir. I hate memoirs. The first one I read was Angela's Ashes. I couldn't believe how someone could expose to the world (and profit from) the failings of his parents; an alcoholic father and a mother so ill-prepared for motherhood that she should have been sterilized instead of popping out babes as if on schedule.
That bestseller spawned an avalanche of crappy books about people who were famous for 15 seconds; a phenomenon with no apparent end. So this isn't a memoir, which, as I believe I said, I hate. I just want to recognize my father on Father's Day, because I can't send him a card or buy him a lottery ticket any more. He used to like when I did that. He always was so hopeful that he would win. Once, he won $863, which, to him, after decades of tearing up stubs, was like winning a million bucks. We went up to the lottery office in World Trade Center, where he proceeded to make a scene because I didn't have a black pen in my pocketbook. It had to be black, and I carried only green. I begged a woman to lend me hers, just to shut him up. Kind of took the thrill out of the occasion.
He possessed a volcanic temper and a sparkling sense of humor, either of which could materialize with no apparent impetus. This was his legacy to me. He didn't say funny things as much as he said things funny. Once, he told me a story about two fellows he knew, who he referred to as "what's-his-name and the other one." In thirty seconds, I knew who he was talking about. We got each other. I'll never have a relationship like that again.
Tomorrow, I'm going to watch a video of "The Bank Dick." It was one of his favorites. He loved Fields and the brothers Marx and Gleason and the great old character actors of sixty years ago; a time when people could act and movies were interesting. I'm going to prop his picture up in front of the television, so he can watch the movie with me. Crazy? – perhaps. But if I didn't believe that he's in the room with me, or that I'll ever see him again, I couldn't keep going. So, Happy Father's Day, Dad. Love from your sweetheart. Y
When you don't have a father anymore, those ads that feature handsome, prematurely grey-haired men shilling ties and shirts and cufflinks while toting an adorable blonde moppet in each arm really can be annoying. Not that I ever paid attention to them, even when my father was alive, because he wasn't a shirt-and-tie-and-cufflink kind of guy. It wasn't easy to find a Father's Day present for him. He didn't read anything except the newspaper. His sport was limited to trudging up four flights of stairs, every day for sixty years. He didn't own a car. He didn't drink fine wines or smoke foreign cigars. So I was pretty much limited to buying him handkerchiefs, 'cause he did blow his nose, and socks, 'cause he did wear shoes, and bathrobes, because he did bathe, except for the last three years of his life, when that chore became my responsibility.
For the past year, I've been trying to remember the things I loved about my father. It's been difficult, because in the last few years of his life, when he decided to stop living, he made my life hell on earth. I won't go into detail, because this is not a memoir. I hate memoirs. The first one I read was Angela's Ashes. I couldn't believe how someone could expose to the world (and profit from) the failings of his parents; an alcoholic father and a mother so ill-prepared for motherhood that she should have been sterilized instead of popping out babes as if on schedule.
That bestseller spawned an avalanche of crappy books about people who were famous for 15 seconds; a phenomenon with no apparent end. So this isn't a memoir, which, as I believe I said, I hate. I just want to recognize my father on Father's Day, because I can't send him a card or buy him a lottery ticket any more. He used to like when I did that. He always was so hopeful that he would win. Once, he won $863, which, to him, after decades of tearing up stubs, was like winning a million bucks. We went up to the lottery office in World Trade Center, where he proceeded to make a scene because I didn't have a black pen in my pocketbook. It had to be black, and I carried only green. I begged a woman to lend me hers, just to shut him up. Kind of took the thrill out of the occasion.
He possessed a volcanic temper and a sparkling sense of humor, either of which could materialize with no apparent impetus. This was his legacy to me. He didn't say funny things as much as he said things funny. Once, he told me a story about two fellows he knew, who he referred to as "what's-his-name and the other one." In thirty seconds, I knew who he was talking about. We got each other. I'll never have a relationship like that again.
Tomorrow, I'm going to watch a video of "The Bank Dick." It was one of his favorites. He loved Fields and the brothers Marx and Gleason and the great old character actors of sixty years ago; a time when people could act and movies were interesting. I'm going to prop his picture up in front of the television, so he can watch the movie with me. Crazy? – perhaps. But if I didn't believe that he's in the room with me, or that I'll ever see him again, I couldn't keep going. So, Happy Father's Day, Dad. Love from your sweetheart. Y
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Does This Look Punny to You?
*
There's a proposal afoot to sell advertising space on pro basketballers' uniforms. What kind of Jazz is that? There aren't enough Hawks on the court already? Someone should have Piston this idea from the get-go. It's sure to stir up a Hornet's nest. Commissioner David Stern will take the Heat for this. I don't know about you, but I think the idea is total Bulls-hit.
*
A couple married on top of Mount Everest. Their vows included a promise to "love, honor, and resuscitate."
*
McDonald's is now featuring a fit, athletic Ronald McDonald in its ads. He's probably eating at Subway.
*
In Japan, house cats peed on their owner's fax machine, which shorted out and set the house on fire. Poor pussies; you're in trouble now. (Get it?)
*
In Nigeria, police arrested a cow who killed one man and injured several others. The cow probably will be tried in moot court.
*
Madonna is planning a Kaballah-themed hotel in London. Possible name: Ka-Bally's.
There's a proposal afoot to sell advertising space on pro basketballers' uniforms. What kind of Jazz is that? There aren't enough Hawks on the court already? Someone should have Piston this idea from the get-go. It's sure to stir up a Hornet's nest. Commissioner David Stern will take the Heat for this. I don't know about you, but I think the idea is total Bulls-hit.
*
A couple married on top of Mount Everest. Their vows included a promise to "love, honor, and resuscitate."
*
McDonald's is now featuring a fit, athletic Ronald McDonald in its ads. He's probably eating at Subway.
*
In Japan, house cats peed on their owner's fax machine, which shorted out and set the house on fire. Poor pussies; you're in trouble now. (Get it?)
*
In Nigeria, police arrested a cow who killed one man and injured several others. The cow probably will be tried in moot court.
*
Madonna is planning a Kaballah-themed hotel in London. Possible name: Ka-Bally's.
Monday, May 30, 2005
Eat, Drink, and Be Nutty - 2
*
A doctor sold answers to a board certification exam on eBay. He's described as a rectal specialist – no surprise there.
*
A new restaurant chain will provide video games at every booth. What might they call it?:
*
A New Yorker has made it his mission to hit 1,000 bars in a year and— surprise—he's started a blog to chronicle his journey. I guess you could call him a "Coors-pondent."
A doctor sold answers to a board certification exam on eBay. He's described as a rectal specialist – no surprise there.
*
A new restaurant chain will provide video games at every booth. What might they call it?:
- Grand Theft Automat
- Xbox Lunch
- Dragon Questerant
And on the menu...:
- Mortal Kombat-ter-dipped Chicken
- Super Mariomelette
- Madden NFLbow macaroni
- Halo-Mein
- Wheel of Fortune Cookies
- Nintendoughnuts
*
A New Yorker has made it his mission to hit 1,000 bars in a year and— surprise—he's started a blog to chronicle his journey. I guess you could call him a "Coors-pondent."
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Eat, Drink, and Be Nutty
*
North Korea has developed a candy made of seaweed, beans, carrots and sesame seeds that promises to help children grow taller and smarter. A good name for it would be, "I Can't Believe it's Not Chocolate!"
*
A 24-hour suicide hotline in Canada, citing high costs, is limiting its service to business hours. It will now be known as the "suicide lukewarm line."
*
A record-setting 124-pound catfish died while being transported to an aquarium, where he was to be displayed. He'll always be known as "the one that passed away."
*
"Alexander" director Oliver Stone was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol. Wonder if this will delay plans for the sequel, "Brandy Alexander."
*
Donald Trump is starting an online learning institution, Trump University. Sign up early for what promises to be the most popular courses in business ("Introduction to Macroegonomics") and construction ("How to Nail a Supermodel.")
North Korea has developed a candy made of seaweed, beans, carrots and sesame seeds that promises to help children grow taller and smarter. A good name for it would be, "I Can't Believe it's Not Chocolate!"
*
A 24-hour suicide hotline in Canada, citing high costs, is limiting its service to business hours. It will now be known as the "suicide lukewarm line."
*
A record-setting 124-pound catfish died while being transported to an aquarium, where he was to be displayed. He'll always be known as "the one that passed away."
*
"Alexander" director Oliver Stone was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol. Wonder if this will delay plans for the sequel, "Brandy Alexander."
*
Donald Trump is starting an online learning institution, Trump University. Sign up early for what promises to be the most popular courses in business ("Introduction to Macroegonomics") and construction ("How to Nail a Supermodel.")
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Sunday Funnies
*
An exhibitor at New York's first Erotic Expo said he seeks approval for his sex-related products from a medical school's industrial review board. That would likely be Hardwood Medical School.
*
Comedian Ray Romano (late of "Everybody Loves Raymond") says he's finished with sitcoms, but there may be a spinoff in the works for his series brother, Robert. Possible titles?:
*
A lawyer in California moonlights as a porn star. He especially enjoys filing his briefs.
An exhibitor at New York's first Erotic Expo said he seeks approval for his sex-related products from a medical school's industrial review board. That would likely be Hardwood Medical School.
*
Comedian Ray Romano (late of "Everybody Loves Raymond") says he's finished with sitcoms, but there may be a spinoff in the works for his series brother, Robert. Possible titles?:
- Let's Milk This For All It's Worth
- The Incredible Sulk
- Holy Crap – it's Robert!
- Cops and Robert
- Everybody is Ambivalent about Robert
- The Other Brother
- How High the Goon
*
A lawyer in California moonlights as a porn star. He especially enjoys filing his briefs.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
The Lively Arts
*
A truck driver stole a painting worth $1.5 million. He was caught on videotape AND he left behind a copy of his driver's license. When nabbed, he claimed he didn't know what was in the container, even though it was clearly labeled, "PAINTING." Now, he's in a big building clearly labeled "JAIL."
*
Saddam Hussein is writing his memoirs. Wonder if he'll "dictate" them. Possible titles?:
A truck driver stole a painting worth $1.5 million. He was caught on videotape AND he left behind a copy of his driver's license. When nabbed, he claimed he didn't know what was in the container, even though it was clearly labeled, "PAINTING." Now, he's in a big building clearly labeled "JAIL."
*
Saddam Hussein is writing his memoirs. Wonder if he'll "dictate" them. Possible titles?:
- All My Sons are Terrorists
- The Five People You Meet in Prison
- Say "Aaaahh"
- The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Mass Murderers
- Oh, the Places I've Bombed!
- Tuesdays With Qusay
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