I don't know if this strikes you funny, but today I noticed the following ad on the MSN.com home page: "Omaha Steaks clearance sale." What might that entail? A '69 Tenderloin; only one owner? A six-pack of burgers, gently used? I'm beginning to wonder what the term "aged beef" really means.
*
A man is suing Bank of America for $1.7 Billion Trillion. Gosh, that's almost their entire TARP allotment.
*
In New York, a Mexican food cart won the coveted Vendy award for the best street food. "Schnitzel and Things" was named Rookie of the Year. Next year, I'm pulling for "Truckin' with Turducken."
Monday, September 28, 2009
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Blown Job: an Unemployment Odyssey
Originally posted October 24, 2004
Two years and seven months ago, I was fired from my job; a casualty of the post-9/11 economic downturn. After 18 months of looking for work without success, I sat down to write a book, entitled, "Blown Job: an unemployment odyssey," my comic, sardonic take on a desperate situation. Turns out I had as much success tantalizing editorial agents as I did Human Resources directors. Rather than consign it to obscurity, I've decided to share my book with you, dear reader, in a series of excerpts, the first of which you will find below.
INTRODUCTION
On January 31, 2002, I was let go from a job I hated and probably would have died in, so I guess the bastards did me a favor. But it really doesn’t seem like that now, because I’ve been out of work for 18 months and my unemployment insurance is but a distant memory, and my savings have been vastly depleted and my COBRA health insurance is about to terminate and I haven’t had an interview in I can’t remember when and lately I’ve been thinking of doing myself in, though I need to do it cheaply because I’m on a budget.
But enough about me. I’ve written this book for you, one of the 9 million (and counting) unemployed Americans who share my pain. We’re a mighty big club without a clubhouse. We don’t have the clout of AARP, the aura of PETA, or the chutzpah of ACTUP. We’re men and women without a country, cast adrift in a world that used to make sense, with skills and experience that now lie dormant. We spend our days chasing a dream that used to be a right; the right to work in the land of opportunity. We’ve been forced to do things that humiliate us and set us back ten years in our careers and cause us to fight with our loved ones and embarrass our friends. We take what crumbs we can get and we feel grateful. Is this what we sat through Accounting 101 and read “What Color is Your Parachute” and watched “The Graduate” for? I don’t think so.
Are you as pissed off as I am about the way things have turned out? Of course you are. Well then, come with me, as I recount for you the odyssey of one unemployed woman in America in the 21st century. This story has all the elements of the Great American Novel – the flawed protagonist, the journey fraught with perils, the angst and pathos and bathos and quite a few other words that I don’t know the meaning of – without the happy ending. I invite you to laugh at the absurdity of my situation to ease the pain and bitterness and frustration of your own. And, if you’re reading this introduction, it means that I’m actually making some money now and all I have to worry about is that I can sell enough books to make back my fabulously generous advance. [ed. note: that's back when I thought this would be a trade paperback.] (Remember, though, as I’m writing these words, I’ve been unemployed for 18 months and my COBRA insurance is running out and my savings are vastly depleted, and you know the rest.)
Come along as I recount the embarrassment of working for two months at a job from which I’ve already been fired. Share with me the experience of going back into the classroom after decades away from attendance-taking and hand-raising. Chuckle at the humiliation of being interviewed by someone who wasn’t born until after “Rhoda” went off the air. Learn how looking for work can be your whole new career. And – this is really important – at the end of the last chapter, if you find that you like this book, I want you to do something for me. Write one of your own. Everybody who is unemployed in America should write a book and everyone else who is unemployed should buy it and read it. Look, we nine million have to support each other; we who are the charter members of the newest mega-association in the country.
Let’s get organized, people. I’ll start us out by giving our group a name: FEDUP, for Forced to Entertain DUmb Employment Possibilities. Okay, not so great, but we can work on it. Hey, it will give us something to do.
We’ll meet on Thursdays. You bring the Krispy Kremes.
(See Archives from October 2004 through January 2005 for Chapters 1 - 11.)
Two years and seven months ago, I was fired from my job; a casualty of the post-9/11 economic downturn. After 18 months of looking for work without success, I sat down to write a book, entitled, "Blown Job: an unemployment odyssey," my comic, sardonic take on a desperate situation. Turns out I had as much success tantalizing editorial agents as I did Human Resources directors. Rather than consign it to obscurity, I've decided to share my book with you, dear reader, in a series of excerpts, the first of which you will find below.
INTRODUCTION
On January 31, 2002, I was let go from a job I hated and probably would have died in, so I guess the bastards did me a favor. But it really doesn’t seem like that now, because I’ve been out of work for 18 months and my unemployment insurance is but a distant memory, and my savings have been vastly depleted and my COBRA health insurance is about to terminate and I haven’t had an interview in I can’t remember when and lately I’ve been thinking of doing myself in, though I need to do it cheaply because I’m on a budget.
But enough about me. I’ve written this book for you, one of the 9 million (and counting) unemployed Americans who share my pain. We’re a mighty big club without a clubhouse. We don’t have the clout of AARP, the aura of PETA, or the chutzpah of ACTUP. We’re men and women without a country, cast adrift in a world that used to make sense, with skills and experience that now lie dormant. We spend our days chasing a dream that used to be a right; the right to work in the land of opportunity. We’ve been forced to do things that humiliate us and set us back ten years in our careers and cause us to fight with our loved ones and embarrass our friends. We take what crumbs we can get and we feel grateful. Is this what we sat through Accounting 101 and read “What Color is Your Parachute” and watched “The Graduate” for? I don’t think so.
Are you as pissed off as I am about the way things have turned out? Of course you are. Well then, come with me, as I recount for you the odyssey of one unemployed woman in America in the 21st century. This story has all the elements of the Great American Novel – the flawed protagonist, the journey fraught with perils, the angst and pathos and bathos and quite a few other words that I don’t know the meaning of – without the happy ending. I invite you to laugh at the absurdity of my situation to ease the pain and bitterness and frustration of your own. And, if you’re reading this introduction, it means that I’m actually making some money now and all I have to worry about is that I can sell enough books to make back my fabulously generous advance. [ed. note: that's back when I thought this would be a trade paperback.] (Remember, though, as I’m writing these words, I’ve been unemployed for 18 months and my COBRA insurance is running out and my savings are vastly depleted, and you know the rest.)
Come along as I recount the embarrassment of working for two months at a job from which I’ve already been fired. Share with me the experience of going back into the classroom after decades away from attendance-taking and hand-raising. Chuckle at the humiliation of being interviewed by someone who wasn’t born until after “Rhoda” went off the air. Learn how looking for work can be your whole new career. And – this is really important – at the end of the last chapter, if you find that you like this book, I want you to do something for me. Write one of your own. Everybody who is unemployed in America should write a book and everyone else who is unemployed should buy it and read it. Look, we nine million have to support each other; we who are the charter members of the newest mega-association in the country.
Let’s get organized, people. I’ll start us out by giving our group a name: FEDUP, for Forced to Entertain DUmb Employment Possibilities. Okay, not so great, but we can work on it. Hey, it will give us something to do.
We’ll meet on Thursdays. You bring the Krispy Kremes.
(See Archives from October 2004 through January 2005 for Chapters 1 - 11.)
Saturday, November 22, 2008
My First Task
On my first day at Dunder Mifflin Binghamton, I was given the task of designing Jim and Pam's new home. This is what is looked like at the start:
This is what it looks like now. I think they'll love it!
If you're a fellow Dunder Mifflin employee, please vote for my task as your favorite. Even though I've only been a temp for one day, it is my desire to catapult out of the temp pool, into the warehouse, and straight up to the receptionist's desk. I can't wait to answer the phone, "Dunder Mifflin Binghamton!"
This is what it looks like now. I think they'll love it!
If you're a fellow Dunder Mifflin employee, please vote for my task as your favorite. Even though I've only been a temp for one day, it is my desire to catapult out of the temp pool, into the warehouse, and straight up to the receptionist's desk. I can't wait to answer the phone, "Dunder Mifflin Binghamton!"
I'm Back!
I am happy to report that I finally have landed a job. I am now working as a temp at the Binghamton branch of Dunder Mifflin. On my first day, I earned $1,160 Schrutebucks. I am so happy!
To those many readers who landed here by Googling "Chapter 6 Book of Job," I'm sorry you wound up with the sixth chapter of my manuscript, "Blown Job: An Unemployment Odyssey." Not quite what you were looking for, was it?
To those many readers who landed here by Googling "Chapter 6 Book of Job," I'm sorry you wound up with the sixth chapter of my manuscript, "Blown Job: An Unemployment Odyssey." Not quite what you were looking for, was it?
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Chutzpah!
*
Donald Trump wants a street in California named after him. And then he wants Earth renamed "Trumpsilvania."
*
From The New York Post: "A German gang stole hundreds of high-end BMWs and Benzes piece by piece over six years as they posed as assembly-line workers." Authorities were tipped off by their incessant whistling of the theme from "The Great Escape."
*
An Australian prankster tried to auction off New Zealand on eBay. The site canceled the transaction before Donald Trump had the chance to buy the country and rename it "Trumpghanistan."
Donald Trump wants a street in California named after him. And then he wants Earth renamed "Trumpsilvania."
*
From The New York Post: "A German gang stole hundreds of high-end BMWs and Benzes piece by piece over six years as they posed as assembly-line workers." Authorities were tipped off by their incessant whistling of the theme from "The Great Escape."
*
An Australian prankster tried to auction off New Zealand on eBay. The site canceled the transaction before Donald Trump had the chance to buy the country and rename it "Trumpghanistan."
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Smell Ya Later
*
To celebrate the brand's 50th anniversary, Play Doh is marketing a scent called, "eau-de-PLAY-DOH." Look for it at the Toys 'R Us fragrance counter, along with:
Oh, my!: no more Little Mermaid watches and plastic lions, tigers and bears with your Happy Meals. Disney has severed its promotional tie with McDonald's, so as not to bear the taint of childhood obesity. Good news for eau-de-PLAYDOH (and for these also-rans):
To celebrate the brand's 50th anniversary, Play Doh is marketing a scent called, "eau-de-PLAY-DOH." Look for it at the Toys 'R Us fragrance counter, along with:
- Monopolo
- Nintendobsession
- Eeewww! de Clue
- Crayolanvin
- Etch a Sketch – the Stench
- G.I. JOOP!
- Hungry Hungry Hipposies
- Magic 8 Balenciaga
- My Little PoNina Ricci
- Tickle Me Elmoschino
Oh, my!: no more Little Mermaid watches and plastic lions, tigers and bears with your Happy Meals. Disney has severed its promotional tie with McDonald's, so as not to bear the taint of childhood obesity. Good news for eau-de-PLAYDOH (and for these also-rans):
- Sad-Eyed Children tattoos (first up: My Puppy Died!)
- Spongebob Squarepants Sponge Bobbers
- Children of the Corn collectibles
- The Most Annoying Kids on TV key chains (first up: Ralph Wiggum)
- Desperate Housewives Colorforms®
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Special Delivery
*
A pregnant robot named Noelle is being used as a high-tech medical training tool. I think a good name for the baby would be Apple.
*
Remote Alaskan villages are now enjoying pizza, thanks to air delivery service. And if the pizza doesn't arrive in thirty hours, it's free.
Reindeer pizza is popular, but don't you just hate it when the hoof sticks to the roof of your mouth?
*
A pregnant robot named Noelle is being used as a high-tech medical training tool. I think a good name for the baby would be Apple.
*
Remote Alaskan villages are now enjoying pizza, thanks to air delivery service. And if the pizza doesn't arrive in thirty hours, it's free.
Reindeer pizza is popular, but don't you just hate it when the hoof sticks to the roof of your mouth?
*
Monday, April 10, 2006
Insert Title Here
*
In Washington State, the government tried to confiscate the gold tooth caps of two drug dealers, claiming the caps were seizable assets. This must be what's meant by a "cavity search."
*
Some enterprising scammer in Indiana tried to palm off an oven door as a flat screen TV. Worse, it only played the Food Network.
In Washington State, the government tried to confiscate the gold tooth caps of two drug dealers, claiming the caps were seizable assets. This must be what's meant by a "cavity search."
*
Some enterprising scammer in Indiana tried to palm off an oven door as a flat screen TV. Worse, it only played the Food Network.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Activate Me Vertically
*
The Rolling Stones risqué lyrics have been censored during their concert tour of China. Concertgoers are rocking to:
*
Steven Spielberg has joined the reality TV pantheon with a new show called, "On the Lot," a "Star Search" for new filmmakers. Celebrity judges: E.T., one Animaniac, two Goonies, and the Gremlin that looks like Miles Davis.
*
The Red Cross is undergoing a major overhaul. Its new name is "The Organization Formally Known as the Red Cross."
*
Shades of Wallace and Gromit: an enormous rabbit is tearing up vegetable gardens in England. It's a case of life imitating artichokes.
*
In Wisconsin, a man was convicted for stealing hundreds of pairs of panties. He maintains he's been thongly accused.
The Rolling Stones risqué lyrics have been censored during their concert tour of China. Concertgoers are rocking to:
- Let's Spend a Lovely Evening Together and Then I'll Take You Home
- Brown Splenda
- Empathy for the Mischievous Sprite
- May I Have a Room for the Night?
- You Cannot Always Obtain What is Desired
- Activate Me Vertically
- Tawdry Nightclub Women
- I Cannot Acquire Any Bliss
*
Steven Spielberg has joined the reality TV pantheon with a new show called, "On the Lot," a "Star Search" for new filmmakers. Celebrity judges: E.T., one Animaniac, two Goonies, and the Gremlin that looks like Miles Davis.
*
The Red Cross is undergoing a major overhaul. Its new name is "The Organization Formally Known as the Red Cross."
*
Shades of Wallace and Gromit: an enormous rabbit is tearing up vegetable gardens in England. It's a case of life imitating artichokes.
*
In Wisconsin, a man was convicted for stealing hundreds of pairs of panties. He maintains he's been thongly accused.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Caveat Emptor
*
A Picasso bought at Costco may be a forgery. Worse, the Rice Krispies in Aisle 79 are said to be devoid of krackle.
*
A new book is coming out by Johnny Cash's first wife. Likely title: Cashin' In.
*
California vintners are pitching wine to men. I can see it now: Manischewitz and a Manwich – the nosh of champions.
A Picasso bought at Costco may be a forgery. Worse, the Rice Krispies in Aisle 79 are said to be devoid of krackle.
*
A new book is coming out by Johnny Cash's first wife. Likely title: Cashin' In.
*
California vintners are pitching wine to men. I can see it now: Manischewitz and a Manwich – the nosh of champions.
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