The Secret of My Deferred Success

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A new list of politically correct terms from Global Language Monitor includes "deferred success" as a euphemism for "failure" and "misguided criminals" for "terrorists." I propose the following additions:

• spouse-free – single


• overnourished – obese


• looksless -- ugly


• uniformed tourists – US military


• bleach bums – scandal-ridden actresses


• loss leader – President Bush


• 21st Century Atlantis – New Orleans


• accidental tourists – New Orleans' homeless


• waterfront property – the entire state of Florida


• Yahoo Sirius – Howard Stern

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A law firm was chastised by the Florida Supreme Court for using a pit bill in its ads; the Court opining that the ads demean lawyers. The firm's attorneys were ordered to attend an advertising ethics workshop, which they will do as soon as somebody figures out how to run one.

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A square-inch parcel of land is for sale on eBay. Possible bidders: Tiny Tim, Tom Thumb, and the Little Mermaid.

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Ex-madam Heidi Fleiss plans to open a brothel in Nevada that caters to women. Possible names:

• Bed Bath and Be Comped


• Boy Toys are Us


• Abercrombie & Switch


• Amazon.wom.en


• eBoy

It's a Grand Old World

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Brooke Shields is having another baby. Do I smell another bestseller?

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Sylvester Stallone is preparing to shoot Rambo IV and Rocky VI. Pray with me now that he's not considering "Oscar II," in which he would reprise the role of "Angelo 'Snaps' Provolone." (Check out the scintillating dialogue from Oscar.)


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A former head of a Kansas space museum is on trial for profiting from the trade of museum artifacts. Purportedly among the trades was a 2002 Yurchikhin for a 1983 Bobko.

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An Asian rebel group, the Tamil Tigers, is seeking a catchy national anthem. How about:

• I'm a Tamil Doodle Dandy


• When Selvathurai Comes Marching Home Again


• From the Halls of Ambalangoda to the Shores of Tissamaharama


• You're a Grand Old Kalashnikov

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Connecticut's liquor board wants to ban the sale of "Seriously Bad Elf" holiday beer because children might be enticed to drink. If they do, they'll be known as "Santa's Little Gulpers."

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A family living in the Road to Nowhere housing development near the Arctic Circle is getting government aid for their home, which is routinely buried by snow every year. Here's an idea – why not move to the Road to Something Approaching Civilization Condominiums?

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In Rome, goldfish bowls are now banned. Coincidentally, the sale of goldfish leashes has gone through the roof.

Get Smart

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In Australia, a man who lay dead in his car was given a parking ticket. And when they came to take him away, he was slapped with a moving violation.

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A Wal-Mart heiress returned her college diploma after being accused of cheating. She allegedly paid her roommate $20,000 to write her term papers, which apparently is the every-day low price for such transactions.

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A top ad executive was forced to resign after saying that women don't make it to the top of advertising because they're "crap" and further, that they are ''a group that will inevitably wimp out and go 'suckle something.''' His favorite pick-up line must be "Got Milk?"

I Can't Think of a Title

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A bowl of noodles 4,000 years old has been found in China. And we're worried about Styrofoam decomposing?

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The Wall Street Journal will be reducing its page size to cut costs. It will now be known as "The Wall Street Shopper."

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An Arkansas woman gave birth to her 16th child and she's not done yet. All 16 have names that begin with the letter "J." The 17th will be known as "Jeez, just give it a rest!"

Picture This!

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To counter vandalism, Italy may replace famous works of Florentine art with replicas. Next time you're there, be sure to stop and see the Larry David.

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At the International Tattoo Convention in London, one proponent was heard to remark, "Getting a brand name tattooed on your face is an insult to the values that tattoos really represent." Values like Mom and .

Oh, to be in England!

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In London, they've come up with a code of conduct for Santa Claus:

• cannot wear red suit to Target store openings



• must comb the Weetabix crumbs out of one's beard before every appearance



• may not use elves for heavy lifting or construction of an in-ground pool



• must pleasure Mrs. Claus prior to departure on eve of December 24th



• must be vigilant about scooping up reindeer droppings



• must periodically check naughty/nice list; update accordingly



• December 26: dry-clean suit; give elves bonus; sort through cookie gifts and discard those with protruding nails

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They're certainly busy with important matters in London. Now they're looking for the ugliest vegetable, in a year-long competition. Does Camilla qualify?

Here She Is, Miss 45879

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A bookmaker in Ireland has come under fire for an billboard depicting figures in DaVinci's The Last Supper as gamblers. In the same spirit, watch for Mona Lisa – the Ultimate Poker Face.

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The Danish Air Force will pay $5,000 to a professional Santa, one of whose reindeer was frightened to death by a fighter jet's roar. What's worse, the offending pilot now must emblazon the word "Naughty" on his epaulets.

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A prison in Peru held a beauty pageant. The winner of the talent competition swallowed 46 balloons of cocaine in 55 seconds while playing "Lady of Spain" on the accordion.

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Japan's Nissan Motors has developed an egg-shaped concept car that may revolutionize parking. They're calling it "Pivo." Couldn't they come up with a catchier name, like...

• Embrio



• Omeletta



• Scrambelle



• Meringue



• Volvomelette

Very bad, sir

Sad to report, Jeeves has been axed as the mascot of the search engine, “Ask Jeeves.” Now, instead of answering questions, here are some of the questions Jeeves may be asking, as he faces a new job -- or no job:

• You want fries with that?


• Fill ‘er up?


• Paper or plastic?


• Ketchup or mustard?


• What floor?


• Spare some change?


• Got milk?

A Dash of Special Flavor Sauce

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This from Reuters:

"The cat is out of the bag at a restaurant in northeast China that had been serving donkey meat spiked with tiger urine in pricey dishes advertised as endangered Siberian tigers."

" ...the so-called tiger meat was donkey meat that had been dressed with tiger urine to give the dish a 'special flavor.' "

Diners should have been tipped off by the menu listings:

• Endangered Siberian Tiger (not really) with udon(key)


• Moo shu Ass (w/ 4 barf bags)


• Peking Ass


• Crispy "Shrimp" in Tiger Urine


• Won ton don(key) soup


• General Tso's Ass in "Special Flavor" sauce


• Vodka mar-tinkle

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An American is paying $20 million to visit the international space station. Can't wait for the movie version: "If It's Tuesday, It Must Be Rigel 7."

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A German brewer has concocted what he claims to be the world's strongest beer. It probably will be known as "the beer that made Garmisch-Partenkirchen famous."

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British scientists say that crime dramas like "CSI" are helping crooks to become better criminals by revealing the secrets of forensic science. If only the shows could help actors to become better actors.

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To curtail the drop-out rate, one high school in Australia is offering a course in surfing. Think grad schools will soon grant doctorates in boogie boarding?

Pass the Belly Rolls

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Dieters are turning to hypnosis to help keep the pounds off. Think about it: not only will you crave healthy food like chicken, you'll also be able to cluck like one.

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In San Diego, a topless dancer stabbed a customer who refused a lap dance. She'll now be billed as the "psychotic exotic dancer."

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A woman in Germany burned her house down while trying to kill spiders with a can of hairspray and a cigarette lighter. Wonder if she plants land mines to get rid of weeds.

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Some poor guy got fired because he ate two pieces of pizza left over after a company meeting. The infraction must be listed in the company handbook as "Get the gate. It's Domino's."

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An art student in Thailand creates edible bread sculptures that resemble human body parts. You haven't lived till you've tried:

• Peanut butter and jelly on a belly



• Bacon, lettuce and toe-mato on thigh



• Hand and swiss



• Head cheese



• Club-foot sandwich