Does This Look Funny to You?

Chutzpah!

2006-05-20T21:09:00.000-04:00

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Donald Trump wants a street in California named after him. And then he wants Earth renamed "Trumpsilvania."

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From The New York Post: "A German gang stole hundreds of high-end BMWs and Benzes piece by piece over six years as they posed as assembly-line workers." Authorities were tipped off by their incessant whistling of the theme from "The Great Escape."

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An Australian prankster tried to auction off New Zealand on eBay. The site canceled the transaction before Donald Trump had the chance to buy the country and rename it "Trumpghanistan."

Smell Ya Later

2006-05-14T18:44:00.000-04:00

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To celebrate the brand's 50th anniversary, Play Doh is marketing a scent called, "eau-de-PLAY-DOH." Look for it at the Toys 'R Us fragrance counter, along with:

Monopolo

Nintendobsession

Eeewww! de Clue

Crayolanvin

Etch a Sketch – the Stench

G.I. JOOP!

Hungry Hungry Hipposies

Magic 8 Balenciaga

My Little PoNina Ricci

Tickle Me Elmoschino

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Oh, my!: no more Little Mermaid watches and plastic lions, tigers and bears with your Happy Meals. Disney has severed its promotional tie with McDonald's, so as not to bear the taint of childhood obesity. Good news for eau-de-PLAYDOH (and for these also-rans):

Sad-Eyed Children tattoos (first up: My Puppy Died!)

Spongebob Squarepants Sponge Bobbers

Children of the Corn collectibles

The Most Annoying Kids on TV key chains (first up: Ralph Wiggum)

Desperate Housewives Colorforms®

Special Delivery

2006-04-16T16:59:00.000-04:00

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A pregnant robot named Noelle is being used as a high-tech medical training tool. I think a good name for the baby would be Apple.

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Remote Alaskan villages are now enjoying pizza, thanks to air delivery service. And if the pizza doesn't arrive in thirty hours, it's free.

Reindeer pizza is popular, but don't you just hate it when the hoof sticks to the roof of your mouth?

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Insert Title Here

2006-04-10T00:00:00.000-04:00

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In Washington State, the government tried to confiscate the gold tooth caps of two drug dealers, claiming the caps were seizable assets. This must be what's meant by a "cavity search."

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Some enterprising scammer in Indiana tried to palm off an oven door as a flat screen TV. Worse, it only played the Food Network.

Activate Me Vertically

2006-04-08T14:45:00.000-04:00

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The Rolling Stones risqué lyrics have been censored during their concert tour of China. Concertgoers are rocking to:

Let's Spend a Lovely Evening Together and Then I'll Take You Home

Brown Splenda

Empathy for the Mischievous Sprite

May I Have a Room for the Night?

You Cannot Always Obtain What is Desired

Activate Me Vertically

Tawdry Nightclub Women

I Cannot Acquire Any Bliss

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Steven Spielberg has joined the reality TV pantheon with a new show called, "On the Lot," a "Star Search" for new filmmakers. Celebrity judges: E.T., one Animaniac, two Goonies, and the Gremlin that looks like Miles Davis.

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The Red Cross is undergoing a major overhaul. Its new name is "The Organization Formally Known as the Red Cross."

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Shades of Wallace and Gromit: an enormous rabbit is tearing up vegetable gardens in England. It's a case of life imitating artichokes.

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In Wisconsin, a man was convicted for stealing hundreds of pairs of panties. He maintains he's been thongly accused.

Caveat Emptor

2006-03-26T16:57:00.000-05:00

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A Picasso bought at Costco may be a forgery. Worse, the Rice Krispies in Aisle 79 are said to be devoid of krackle.

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A new book is coming out by Johnny Cash's first wife. Likely title: Cashin' In.

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California vintners are pitching wine to men. I can see it now: Manischewitz and a Manwich – the nosh of champions.

The Secret of My Deferred Success

2005-11-20T13:10:00.000-05:00

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A new list of politically correct terms from Global Language Monitor includes "deferred success" as a euphemism for "failure" and "misguided criminals" for "terrorists." I propose the following additions:

spouse-free – single

overnourished – obese

looksless -- ugly

uniformed tourists – US military

bleach bums – scandal-ridden actresses

loss leader – President Bush

21st Century Atlantis – New Orleans

accidental tourists – New Orleans' homeless

waterfront property – the entire state of Florida

Yahoo Sirius – Howard Stern

A law firm was chastised by the Florida Supreme Court for using a pit bill in its ads; the Court opining that the ads demean lawyers. The firm's attorneys were ordered to attend an advertising ethics workshop, which they will do as soon as somebody figures out how to run one.

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A square-inch parcel of land is for sale on eBay. Possible bidders: Tiny Tim, Tom Thumb, and the Little Mermaid.

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Ex-madam Heidi Fleiss plans to open a brothel in Nevada that caters to women. Possible names:

Bed Bath and Be Comped

Boy Toys are Us

Abercrombie & Switch

Amazon.wom.en

eBoy

It's a Grand Old World

2005-10-29T10:38:00.000-04:00

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Brooke Shields is having another baby. Do I smell another bestseller?

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Sylvester Stallone is preparing to shoot Rambo IV and Rocky VI. Pray with me now that he's not considering "Oscar II," in which he would reprise the role of "Angelo 'Snaps' Provolone." (Check out the scintillating dialogue from Oscar.)

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A former head of a Kansas space museum is on trial for profiting from the trade of museum artifacts. Purportedly among the trades was a 2002 Yurchikhin for a 1983 Bobko.

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An Asian rebel group, the Tamil Tigers, is seeking a catchy national anthem. How about:

I'm a Tamil Doodle Dandy

When Selvathurai Comes Marching Home Again

From the Halls of Ambalangoda to the Shores of Tissamaharama

You're a Grand Old Kalashnikov

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Connecticut's liquor board wants to ban the sale of "Seriously Bad Elf" holiday beer because children might be enticed to drink. If they do, they'll be known as "Santa's Little Gulpers."

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A family living in the Road to Nowhere housing development near the Arctic Circle is getting government aid for their home, which is routinely buried by snow every year. Here's an idea – why not move to the Road to Something Approaching Civilization Condominiums?

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In Rome, goldfish bowls are now banned. Coincidentally, the sale of goldfish leashes has gone through the roof.

Get Smart

2005-10-23T12:16:00.000-04:00

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In Australia, a man who lay dead in his car was given a parking ticket. And when they came to take him away, he was slapped with a moving violation.

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A Wal-Mart heiress returned her college diploma after being accused of cheating. She allegedly paid her roommate $20,000 to write her term papers, which apparently is the every-day low price for such transactions.

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A top ad executive was forced to resign after saying that women don't make it to the top of advertising because they're "crap" and further, that they are ''a group that will inevitably wimp out and go 'suckle something.''' His favorite pick-up line must be "Got Milk?"

I Can't Think of a Title

2005-10-13T16:51:00.000-04:00

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A bowl of noodles 4,000 years old has been found in China. And we're worried about Styrofoam decomposing?

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The Wall Street Journal will be reducing its page size to cut costs. It will now be known as "The Wall Street Shopper."

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An Arkansas woman gave birth to her 16th child and she's not done yet. All 16 have names that begin with the letter "J." The 17th will be known as "Jeez, just give it a rest!"

Picture This!

2005-10-13T13:55:00.000-04:00

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To counter vandalism, Italy may replace famous works of Florentine art with replicas. Next time you're there, be sure to stop and see the Larry David.

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At the International Tattoo Convention in London, one proponent was heard to remark, "Getting a brand name tattooed on your face is an insult to the values that tattoos really represent." Values like Mom and .

Oh, to be in England!

2005-10-08T22:22:00.000-04:00

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In London, they've come up with a code of conduct for Santa Claus:

cannot wear red suit to Target store openings

must comb the Weetabix crumbs out of one's beard before every appearance

may not use elves for heavy lifting or construction of an in-ground pool

must pleasure Mrs. Claus prior to departure on eve of December 24th

must be vigilant about scooping up reindeer droppings

must periodically check naughty/nice list; update accordingly

December 26: dry-clean suit; give elves bonus; sort through cookie gifts and discard those with protruding nails

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They're certainly busy with important matters in London. Now they're looking for the ugliest vegetable, in a year-long competition. Does Camilla qualify?

Here She Is, Miss 45879

2005-10-01T14:33:00.000-04:00

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A bookmaker in Ireland has come under fire for an billboard depicting figures in DaVinci's The Last Supper as gamblers. In the same spirit, watch for Mona Lisa – the Ultimate Poker Face.

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The Danish Air Force will pay $5,000 to a professional Santa, one of whose reindeer was frightened to death by a fighter jet's roar. What's worse, the offending pilot now must emblazon the word "Naughty" on his epaulets.

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A prison in Peru held a beauty pageant. The winner of the talent competition swallowed 46 balloons of cocaine in 55 seconds while playing "Lady of Spain" on the accordion.

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Japan's Nissan Motors has developed an egg-shaped concept car that may revolutionize parking. They're calling it "Pivo." Couldn't they come up with a catchier name, like...

Embrio

Omeletta

Scrambelle

Meringue

Volvomelette

Very bad, sir

2005-09-27T14:16:00.000-04:00

Sad to report, Jeeves has been axed as the mascot of the search engine, “Ask Jeeves.” Now, instead of answering questions, here are some of the questions Jeeves may be asking, as he faces a new job -- or no job:

You want fries with that?

Fill ‘er up?

Paper or plastic?

Ketchup or mustard?

What floor?

Spare some change?

Got milk?

A Dash of Special Flavor Sauce

2005-09-10T14:40:00.000-04:00

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This from Reuters:

"The cat is out of the bag at a restaurant in northeast China that had been serving donkey meat spiked with tiger urine in pricey dishes advertised as endangered Siberian tigers."

" ...the so-called tiger meat was donkey meat that had been dressed with tiger urine to give the dish a 'special flavor.' "

Diners should have been tipped off by the menu listings:

Endangered Siberian Tiger (not really) with udon(key)

Moo shu Ass (w/ 4 barf bags)

Peking Ass

Crispy "Shrimp" in Tiger Urine

Won ton don(key) soup

General Tso's Ass in "Special Flavor" sauce

Vodka mar-tinkle

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An American is paying $20 million to visit the international space station. Can't wait for the movie version: "If It's Tuesday, It Must Be Rigel 7."

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A German brewer has concocted what he claims to be the world's strongest beer. It probably will be known as "the beer that made Garmisch-Partenkirchen famous."

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British scientists say that crime dramas like "CSI" are helping crooks to become better criminals by revealing the secrets of forensic science. If only the shows could help actors to become better actors.

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To curtail the drop-out rate, one high school in Australia is offering a course in surfing. Think grad schools will soon grant doctorates in boogie boarding?

Pass the Belly Rolls

2005-09-05T01:15:00.000-04:00

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Dieters are turning to hypnosis to help keep the pounds off. Think about it: not only will you crave healthy food like chicken, you'll also be able to cluck like one.

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In San Diego, a topless dancer stabbed a customer who refused a lap dance. She'll now be billed as the "psychotic exotic dancer."

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A woman in Germany burned her house down while trying to kill spiders with a can of hairspray and a cigarette lighter. Wonder if she plants land mines to get rid of weeds.

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Some poor guy got fired because he ate two pieces of pizza left over after a company meeting. The infraction must be listed in the company handbook as "Get the gate. It's Domino's."

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An art student in Thailand creates edible bread sculptures that resemble human body parts. You haven't lived till you've tried:

Peanut butter and jelly on a belly

Bacon, lettuce and toe-mato on thigh

Hand and swiss

Head cheese

Club-foot sandwich

Stars and Hypes

2005-08-27T11:01:00.000-04:00

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Paul Newman and Robert Redford may team up for a third movie. Possible titles?:

The Funeral Crashers

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Septuagenarian

All the Gerontologist's Men

The Way We Were

The 80-Year Old Virgin

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Slovenly druggie Chris Farley just got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Why don't they just call it the Walk of Infamy?

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A Budapest mayor wants female staffers to wear miniskirts only if they have "completely perfect legs." What a completely perfect ass.

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Zookeepers in China are trying to convince a chimpanzee to stop smoking. Maybe they can get him into a support group with Joe Camel.

Today's Monologue

2005-08-21T01:59:00.000-04:00

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There's a new line of greeting cards for lovers having extramarital affairs. It must look something like this:

I hope you don't mind my asking, but...
...did I leave my panties in your glove compartment?

Y You rock my world...
...especially in Room 426 of the Starlight Motel.

Let's fall in love...J
...next Thursday at 2:00 in the back seat of your Miata.

You are the sunshine of my life...
...but please pretend you don't know me at the next PTA meeting.

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Martha Stewart's new TV show will have a short, punchy title. I wonder if it's 55170-174! (her inmate ID number.)

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A farmer looking for love harvested a personal ad made entirely of corn stalks in his pasture. Don't ask what he's planning to do with the cucumbers.

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Speaking of farming, this winter in Russia, cows will be fed confiscated marijuana. Talk about contented cows! I guess they'll only be producing "high"-fat milk from now on.

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I think it's nice that a couple decided to get married at the drive-thru window of a McDonald's. But will the groom live up to the nickname, "Big Mac?"

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The ashes of journalist Hunter S. Thompson were blasted into the sky as part of a memorial tribute. Now he's gonzo far away.

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Melon Day

2005-08-14T18:45:00.000-04:00

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A CD of Bill Clinton's favorite tunes will go on sale next month. I wonder if it will include such hits as:

Devil With the Blue Dress On

Smoke Gets in Your Eyes

Hungry Heart

I Wish I Were in Love Again

I Got a Woman

I Got a Woman

I Got a Woman

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Happy Melon Day! That's what you should say to anyone you know who lives in Turkmenistan, because the country's leader declared Sunday to be Melon Day. Better yet, say, Casaba nice day!

A Riot of the Senses

2005-08-13T19:55:00.000-04:00

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In a Hong Kong eating contest, a man swallowed 83 dumplings in 8 minutes. Oddly enough, 10 minutes later, he was hungry again.

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A bigamist was outed when his three wives all showed up at the same time to visit him in the hospital. He's in for a triple bypass, when he's discharged, it'll be for a triple divorce.

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The rector at St. Patrick's Cathedral resigned over allegations that he's been conducting an affair with his female assistant. Suggested headline: "Rector's Erection Wrecks Rectory."

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As part of an anti-smoking program, scent strips reeking of tobacco are being inserted into fashion magazines, just like the promos that run in perfume ads. Cigarettes and fragrance – hmmm—imagine the spin:

Kool Water

True Love

Old Gold and White Diamonds

More Beautiful

Nicotine Obsession

Chesterfield of Flowers

Poison

It's NOT That Easy Being Green

2005-08-12T00:34:00.000-04:00

Well, here I am, two days after I lost all the customization of my blog, and I'm still working on the restoration. Of course, I haven't been at it steadily – I stopped to go to work; to sleep; to eat; to watch The Simpsons, King of Queens, and Family Guy; and to tweeze my eyebrows. I'm about 95% there. I just have to restore my META tags, which (as my one fan in cyberspace may recall from META Madness) proved to be endless fun the first time around.

During a pause in my blog labor, I read an article today online at CNN.com about a new study indicating that website appearance is a factor in attracting male or female readers. Apparently, women like pages with color in the background and typeface. Well, that certainly is true in my case.

The whole reason I screwed up my blog in the first place is that I wanted to change the color scheme. My template was rather a rather boring grey-and-maroon affair, and I wanted to go with a green ambience. As you can see, it's now a festival of green. Problem was, I couldn't choose a new template without losing all of the customized links and changes I'd made in the past nine months. I'm fairly certain that isn't how it was supposed to work, but I went ahead and chose Rounders 4, and voilà, all my links disappeared. At 5:30 AM, I wasn't thinking too clearly, and I ignored the warning indicating that I was about to step into the abyss. I cursed for two hours straight, relying at first on the tried-and-true imprecations in a mélange of languages, and at the last, coining some new words which, sadly, I can no longer remember.

Interestingly, that new study on the attractiveness of web pages also indicates, according to the CNN.com report, that men "responded better to dark colors and straight, horizontal lines across a page. They also were more pleased by a three-dimensional look and images of "self-propelling" rather than stationary objects."

Huh? "Self-propelling?" Can anyone tell me what that means? How does an object self-propel across a web page? I know for sure that I don't have any self-propelling objects on my page, but I'm not at all worried about attracting men to my blog. Lots and lots of men have visited Does This Look Funny to You? and will continue to do so, every time they type "blow job" into Google. My blog, you see, contains all the chapters of my magnum opus, Blown Job: an Unemployment Odyssey. Blow job, blown job – Google doesn't care. It's not set up to make the distinction between a book title and a sex act. The poor suckers (you should pardon the expression) who hope to find some hot pictures or dirty words here wind up instead with a humorous account of my 3-1/2 year bout of miserable unemployment. Blown Job Blown Job Blown Job. (Just got three more visitors.)

Bottom line is, if you're reading this, I don't care which sex you are. I'm just glad you came. (Not that "came," silly.)

I have to take my leave now and go type funny humor comedy unemployment employment one-liners funny working laughter comedy articles columns funny into my template so the search engines can find me again. One last thing, guys and gals: I hope you like this color scheme, 'cause I'm never changing it again.

Oops!

2005-08-09T19:35:00.000-04:00

I screwed up my blog. I couldn't sleep, so at 5:30 AM, I decided to change my template to a new look. Well, it looks new, but I lost all of my links and customization. I hate MSN, Blogger, and the woman whose book suggested changing my template for a new look. You know who you are.

Touching Stories

2005-08-07T17:02:00.000-04:00

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A New York City politician is throwing an erotic fundraiser. Kind of gives new meaning to the term, “pressing the flesh.”

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A man is going to prison for sexually assaulting a sleeping woman seated next to him in an airplane. What a first-class asshole.

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Macintosh just introduced a multi-button mouse. The gang in Redmond rallied to invent the same thing pronto, until they realized that, for once, they’re ahead of the curve.

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In Oregon, a high school football coach has been reprimanded for licking the bleeding wounds of his players. Bet he douses the winners with Sangria instead of Gatorade.

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Google is looking for a chef for its headquarters restaurant. Hot tip: incumbent must know how to make moo google gai pan.

Equal Time

2005-07-31T01:28:00.000-04:00

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The returns department of a home products company in Vermont received an unwanted trimming device – and 5 kittens accidentally packed with the product. I guess that's what happens when you shop by cat-alogue.

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This summer in sweltering Vienna, Austria, museum visitors are welcome to view art in the nude. My question is, where do they clip the little round buttons?

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Scientists have discovered a 10th planet. Likely name: Goofy.

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A toothless man in Brazil stole seven toothbrushes from a supermarket, thus proving the old adage that tooth is stranger than fiction.

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Austria again – Diners went ballistic when they saw a 10-foot python slithering across the floor of a pizza restaurant, causing the owners to eighty-six the test-marketing of the Big Crust Pizza-Py-thon.

A Fish Tale

2005-07-17T19:45:00.000-04:00

Last week, I went to the aquarium. Here are some pictures I took.